You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize