Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
