Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize