he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
FUCK WHALES
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
