uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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