shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
