So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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