I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Randomize
