so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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