I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
