Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
