Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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