I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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