My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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