I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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