Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
