New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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