She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My vagina is officially offended.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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