yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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