just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize