So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
