Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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