can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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