So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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