I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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