I wannas sexs uuuuu
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize