K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
