I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
