It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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