Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
