why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
