saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I did not marry a roomba.
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