Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This baby is an asshole
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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