Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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