thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
