im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
