so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
