Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
