I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
