nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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