Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
