Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
