Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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