you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
