just come out here and I will go home with you...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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