some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
