Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
