What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my shit smells like andre
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize