I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
