How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
