She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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