We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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