I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
