drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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