did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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