I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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