Duck Duck Cougar?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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