Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
