So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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