i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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