I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
